Forum Discussion: Would You Date / Marry a Believer?
I noticed a dating ad on this site that said something like "Meet Atheist Women," and that struck me as funny. But it made me curious to hear from others here who are not believers: would you date or marry a believer? Or do you write them off as a potential mate right from the get-go?
Mr. Pandora is a believer. I can't pin him down on what KIND of believer, precisely.... I think he's primarily attracted to the ritual of organized religion. He talks about a "spark" within each of us... a soul that is connected to some kind of overarching intelligence. Don't ask me, I think he's off his rocker sometimes. Every now and then he'll "threaten" to become an Anglican minister, or that when we have kids he will take them to church. He doesn't even go to church. Duh. I just tell him to shut up and go bake me a pie. LOL
Anyway, even though I've never been a believer as an adult, that hasn't stopped me from dating them... and now shacking up and planning to have kids with one. How about you guys?
Some atheists don't have a problem with this and some do — I think a lot has to do with your personal experiences with believers. In principle, it shouldn't matter a great deal. The difference between atheism and theism can be far less of an issue than the difference between liberalism and conservatism in politics, or the difference between libertarian and authoritarian thinking. In principle, an atheist and a theist can be far closer in political and philosophical thinking than two atheists or two theists. Despite this, though, bad past experiences with religious believers can close off any possibility of a relationship with a theist.
Xia Devinna wrote in response:
Honestly, I'm stick of being surrounded by only religious people, and I need a refreshing change. I would avoid dating religious people. I'm ready to meet fellow agnostics/atheists, not just for dating (assuming I ever feel comfortable with dating to begin with) but for friendship as well. Well at least I do have one agnostic friend (funny thing is I never really even realized he was agnostic until I became agnostic myself), but he lives in another state. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll have much luck finding agnostic/atheist people where I live.
This raises an issue which goes well beyond just dating and marrying: atheists who get sick of religious talk and practices don't always have a lot of places they can go to avoid it. It's not unusual for atheists to want to be able to talk about politics, family, dating, pets, hobbies, and everything else without gods, prayers, churches, and so forth coming into it. This is actually one of the purposes of the site and the forum: to provide a place for discussion about issues that affect everyone, but without having to wonder if someone is suddenly going to invoke the will of god or call for prayers.
What do you think about either dating/marrying a believer or being able to do things without religion and gods being brought into the mix? Add your thoughts to the comments here or join the ongoing discussion in the forum.
Comments
I agree that, in principle, theism in potential mate shouldn’t matter.
In practice, though, I have found that it matters a great deal. I think the issue stems from the intellectual smugness that many atheists exude (myself not excepted!). How can a relationship be successful in the long term if one of the pair knows that the other thinks their closely held beliefs are ridiculous?
I preferred non-religious women of any faith to more religious women of my original (Jewish) faith. Her being an atheist was not a requirement for me.
I think we all harbor ridiculous beliefs. I just hope I’m not wedded to them. As the old Scots saying goes “Everyone’s crazy but me and you … and some days I’m not sure about you.”
Jesus stole my girlfriend once. We dated four about four months and things were great. Then out of the blue, she said any guy she married would have to share her faith. That torpedoed the relationship.
Although avowed atheists are a minority, I’m not so sure they are in reality (or at least I think there are more atheists than meets the eye initially).
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met who don’t call themselves atheist, but if you ask them whether or not a god exists, they’ll answer: “I like to think there’s something out there.”
When you can say, “I believe god is out there,” you can be a theist. Until then, you’re an atheist.
Of course, with a person like that you run the risk that they’ll become more interested in religion one day and end up hard core theist…?
But still. I’m just sayin’…
Someone that was generally less religious I could probably handle but many of them have their own baggage. I’ve dated several that were not very hardcore in their religious beliefs but had others that were just as bad.
For example, one woman I dated was religious but it was rare that she would attend church or even mention god. However, she was so taken in by various conspiracy theories (especially if they involved the UN and aliens) that I often wished for a few knock- down, drag- out arguments over whether a god existed or not instead.
Another was probably an atheist, though she would strongly insist otherwise, but she saw spirits, faeries, angels and demons at work in almost everything. She was also a creationist (though obviously not of the Christian type) and was generally opposed to anything scientific.
This is not to say that all who are less strident in their religious beliefs replace them with views that are equally unfounded. Although, given that religious beliefs often require a fuzziness to their thinking to hold, one would not need to go far to accept other, non- religious concepts that are just as tenuous in their relationship to reality.
As long as she’s hot.
my dear wife and I disagree about nearly everything except our disbelief in god. I am sure if one of us was a believer it would wreck our relationship.
I am in touch by e-mail with a previous girlfriend, who has ‘got religion’ as the Americans call it. How pleased I am that we did not get hitched.
Being a Gay Pagan Unitarian agnostic, I don’t expect to meet many who match me.
I was married to a believer for 12 years. I even went to church a few times. The church experience was so hollow that we both stopped going. But, she goes to one now and there is no problem since it is basically the liberal United Church of Christ.
When it comes to relationships, what matters is the person, not the set of beliefs held by that person. Of course, if the person whom you want to date is the personification of their beliefs, it could very well be a turnoff, thereby eroding intellectual attraction, which is an important dynamic in any relationship, save for gullible non-thinkers.
It matters what people think, and relationships hinge on this compatibility. Preventing a relationship from growing organically because one prejudges the identity of their potential mate by generalizing their beliefs or non-beliefs is wrong, and consequently, tragic.
As cliche as it is, what matters is how one feels about another person. And if two people disagree so fervently that it hurts the relationship (or prevents one), the question becomes moot.
I don’t see a problem with a non believer marrying a believer. It does depend on the intensity of the beliefs and attitudes of both of them. If the believer quietly follows his or her religious practice while respecting the partner’s principles there doesn’t need to be a clash. Equally the atheist would need to respect his/her partner’s religious practice and refrain from deriding it. If the couple get along well in their everyday lives there might be some overlapping such as one partner making friends with the other partner’s religious friends. But it is only likely to happen with the more relaxed mainstream church goer. I can’t see an atheist and a fundamentalist making a go of life together.
I married a non-believer 20 yrs ago when we were both believers (I did have to fake the charismatic thing for her)…
… now that I am a non-believer (she’s still a really committed christian), we get along fine except we have less in common & less to talk about…
… we both walk on egg-shells a lot in an effort to not upset the other…
… I like to think we found a lot more in each other than just agreement on religion…
… I did give her the chance to opt-out when I 1st made the decision to “come out”…
… I don’t recommend it if it can be avoided… it’s probably a lot like James Carvell & ?Matelan (I think I got some of that right)… I think the trouble would be best avoided…
… BTW, I know a whole lot of Christians who became such simply because they wanted a certain piece of tail… I have 3 bro-in-laws like that…