Have you ever decided to come out as an atheist to your friends and family, only to have them react with anger or outright denial? Any atheist — not just former Jehovah's Witnesses — is likely to face this after they leave their faith. Many of us hope our associates will get used to the idea, but some never do. They may use guilt, angry condemnations, or other tactics to bring us back into their religion, all while insisting that it's for our benefit. This can be as hurtful as it is confusing. Why do they react so strangely?
Why Some Jehovah's Witnesses Overreact
Like many fundamentalists, Jehovah's Witnesses will often refer to their beliefs as "The Truth" rather than what it actually is: a huge part of their world view. They literally see the world as it is presented to them by the Watchtower's Governing Body and reject anything that contradicts the Society's filter. That means that God is a fact (instead of a mere belief) and has delegated his earthly authority to the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Anyone who disagrees with the Society must be ignorant of God's will or in denial about reality. Former Witnesses usually fall into the latter category. Atheists are the most delusional of all. But why can't Witnesses admit that they could be wrong instead of jumping to conclusions?
There is a sense of absolute certitude that comes with these beliefs. I know from experience how appealing that certitude can be. In their minds, "the Truth" is undeniable. It isn't an opinion — it is a fact. They know that Jehovah is out there and that he will make things better. All they have to do is obey him and everything will be okay in the end. Many of them would feel lost without "the Truth" to tell them what to do. Anything that causes them to doubt it becomes a threat to their sense of certitude and must be avoided. This includes anyone who doesn't share their beliefs.
What about having close association with those who may be morally clean but who lack faith in the true God? The Scriptures tell us: "The whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one." (1 John 5:19) We come to discern that bad associations are not limited to permissive or morally debased people. Hence, we are wise to cultivate close friendships only with those who love Jehovah.
(Watchtower 3/15/06, page 23, paragraph 9 "Each One Will Carry His Own Load")
This is an effective way of avoiding uncomfortable questions that could cause a Witness's world view to crumble. It also shows us how far they are willing to go just to maintain the certitude they depend on.
Former Witnesses are the greatest threat of all. The very idea that one of their friends knows what they know about the Truth and rejects it can be a little scary. This can lead many Witnesses to seek reassurances from former believers, but unfortunately these Witnesses tend to behave badly when confronting ex-Witnesses. Some may even get a little creative in how they interpret what former believers say and do, which is why their behavior toward ex-Witnesses can be so strange and hurtful.
For instance, the believer often assumes that the atheist is miserable after leaving their organization, then boldly rejects the atheist's attempt at correcting them. In other cases they insist the atheist still believes in secret, but left the Society because the requirements were too hard to meet. Excuses like these can make a nonbeliever's doubts easier to shrug off and help the believer maintain their world view. If the atheist tells the Witness that they're accusations are offensive, the believer may try to excuse their efforts as a selfless attempt to save the nonbeliever from damnation — or, in the case of Jehovah's Witnesses, from destruction at Armageddon. This can make some nonbelievers feel guilty for standing up for themselves.
Overall, most ex-Witnesses find this sort of behavior pretty maddening. Should we really let them treat us this way?
What To Do When A Loved One Overreacts
When handling a Witness's attempt to reconvert you, it can seem that everything you do is taken as proof that you still believe. If you get angry, they say this proves you are miserable or that their words have struck a nerve. If you say nothing, then their accusations are just a difficult truth you refuse to accept. It seems like nothing you say can convince them that you are sincere and happy and you can easily end up reinforcing their misconceptions if you aren't careful.
What's a former believer to do?
Remember that you are the one who knows what you believe and what your motives are — not them. Don't get frustrated or angry when they start telling you what you believe. The battle for respect is often lost once you start getting emotional about their assertions. The stronger your reaction, the easier it is for them to misinterpret them.
Instead, stay calm when they try to convert you. Don't let yourself be insulted by accusations or assumptions, and do not try to justify your beliefs to them. This only gives them the power to pass judgment over you. Just tell them your conclusions about the issues they raise in as brief a manner as possible. Avoid putting yourself on trial. Provide the details behind your conclusions when asked, but avoid pleading your case. The idea is to show them their opinion of your beliefs has no merit because those opinions are wrong.
Power plays a big part in these encounters. They want you to defer to their beliefs so they can feel reassured. That's why keeping silent never works. You have to deflect their assumptions by telling them what you really think. No one is a greater authority on that than you. If they get angry at you, then so much the better. When they think about the encounter later on, they'll (hopefully) remember that you kept your cool and they did not. They may even realize that you really mean what you say if you stay calm but firm throughout the encounter. Just don't overdo it by appearing smug or condescending.
When handled this way, you can avoid reinforcing their assumptions. You might even convince them that you really mean what you say.
