Every year America endures titanic battles between the evil forces of secular atheism and the virtuous forces of traditional Christianity. Fortunately, the forces of evil have been making significant strides in their efforts to destroy American Christianity. This past year was one of our best yet, with evil atheists achieving important victories on a variety of fronts across American culture. At this rate, our take-over of America is assured. We shouldn't rest on our laurels, though. The victories here should spur us on to further action and more accomplishments.
References to Christmas Removed from Most Public DisplaysAmericans had a lot of trouble even telling that it was the Christmas last year. In the past you couldn't get away from Christmas references in signs, songs, and TV programs, but all that has been changing. The word "Christmas" has been appearing less and less, with this past year being the best ever. Songs on the radio didn't mention Christmas, TV shows didn't have Christmas episodes, there were special Christmas movies, and of course no store displays about Christmas. At this rate, we may live to see a time when Americans completely forget that it's the Christmas season at all. Won't that be fun?
Religious Displays Smashed & Driven from Public SquaresThe worst part of Christmas in the past has been in the insistence of Christians on having their gaudy religious displays on public property every year. This past year, though, we secular atheists took matters into our own hands by taking out the garbage. Not as many municipalities had these displays after what we did the previous couple of years, but there were still plenty that hadn't learned their lesson. Everywhere we found religious displays — and especially nativity scenes — atheists moved quickly to smash everything to pieces and remove them from public view, even if the displays were on church property.
Yule Logs Replaced with Baby Jesus Figures from CrechesAll of those smashed nativity scenes produced quite a bit of refuse that needed to be disposed of, but fortunately we secular atheists are also good environmentalists who are big supporters of recycling. I don't know who first came up with idea, but replacing traditional yule logs with left-over baby Jesus figures was pure genius. We don't object to yule logs so much because it isn't Christian, but the idea of killing two religious birds with one stone is still very satisfying — and it ensures that these baby Jesus figures can't be used next year in new religious displays.
Churches Barricaded & Religious Services CanceledDespite our best efforts, many Christians continue trying to celebrate Christmas in a religious manner instead of in the dry, secular ways we approve of. Churches have stopped having religious services for most other days during the Christmas season, like Michaelmas, but Christmas services are still clinging to life. To fight this, secular atheists all over America barricaded churches, preventing the usual services from being held. Some congregations managed to hold services elsewhere, but many others simply canceled services entirely. If we can break the expectation that these traditions will continue, then they will end on their own.
"Happy Holidays" Established and Enforced as Official GreetingA flash point for our War on Christmas has been the dueling greetings of "Happy Holidays" and "Merry Christmas." Traditionalists fought hard to keep using "Merry Christmas," but we've now established the multi-cultural, secular "Happy Holidays" as not only the official greeting for the holidays, but also the only one permitted. Shunning and socially stigmatizing traditionalists worked well at first, but we got to the point where those who kept saying "Merry Christmas" didn't care about those consequences. So, we had to create strong legal consequences for them and that seems to be working well. Even the most die-hard Christian traditionalists gave up on saying "Merry Christmas" after being tasered a few times by the Christmas Police.
Reindeer Roast Now Official Christmas Dinner EntreeThe more traditions we can change, the more we can separate future holidays from past holidays and thus cut people off from traditional expectations. This means that even those traditions which aren't especially religious should be considered for change — including the traditional Christmas meal. Switching from Christmas hams and turkeys to Christmas reindeer roasts not only serves this purpose, but also gets people to look at the traditional Santa stories in new and less fawning ways. Children who get served Dancer, Prancer, or even Rudolph for Christmas dinner will never look at Santa the same way again.
Annoying Salvation Army Bell Ringers Rounded UpNo one really likes the bell-ringing beggars from the Salvation Army and a couple of years ago several corporations started to remove them from their premises. Now, though, we may have gotten rid of them for good by rounding them all up with their little bells and incarcerating them for the duration of the holiday season. We eventually had to let them go, of course, but maybe next year they will think twice before coming out into public again to annoy people with those bells and beg for money. Perhaps if the Salvation Army wasn't bigoted and discriminatory against atheists, gays, and others it wouldn’t be so bad, but since they insist on that course of action, they must now suffer the consequences — after all, the Christmas Police need a new way to use their new Tasers.
"The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" Rewritten with New EndingDr. Seuss' The Grinch Who Stole Christmas may be a children's story, but it's a story which influenced generations of children to look down upon skeptics and critics of Christmas. There are few epithets quite as strong during the holiday season as "Grinch," so changing this story had to be an important goal for the evil secularists. Basic alterations have been made to the entire structure of the story, with the Whos revealed as selfish, mindless consumers saddled with huge credit card bills and the Grinch becoming the hero who saves them from their plight. Through children's stories like this, we may have an even larger impact on future generations.
Rebellious Carolers Tarred, Feathered, Run Out of TownI don't know anyone who really likes those out-of-tune carolers who interrupt dinner with their rancorous singing. Then what do they expect, that you'll invite them in for hot chocolate? It's little wonder that spontaneous cheers erupted all around the neighborhoods where we caught rogue carolers. The people certainly appreciated the punishment of tarring, feathering, and running them out of the town. I doubt that we'll see very many of them again next year — and if we do, we can be sure that we give them the same treatment again. Eventually they will get the message and if they really want to sing Christmas carols, they'll keep the noise down while doing it in the privacy of their own homes.