Summary
Title: On Apology
Author: Aaron Lazare
Publisher: Oxford University Press
ISBN: 0195173430
Pro:
• Multitude of examples and possible examples to illustrate points
• Addresses important cultural phenomena often taken for granted
Con:
• None
Description:
• Analysis of the nature of apologies
• Compares various cultural expressions
• Contrasts effective with ineffective apologies
Book Review
Quite often with “fundamental” concepts there are many unanswered, and even unasked, questions that are ignored because people simply take them for granted. Aaron Lazare, however, provides us with a second glance at apologies and much more with his book On Apology. Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in Worcester, Lazare addresses what might appear to be an easy topic, showing that there is far more depth and complexity than most realize.
Apologies have profound influences on both the giver and the recipient. An apology can heal emotional or psychological wounds, alleviate a desire for revenge, encourage forgiveness, relieve guilt, and lift feelings of shame. Apologies themselves are influenced heavily by the already-existing relationship, the timeliness in which they are delivered, the existence of reluctance or eagerness, and the nature of the reaction on the part of the recipient.
Lazare defines an apology as:
- “...an encounter between two parties in which one party, the offender, acknowledges responsibility for an offense or grievance and expresses regret or remorse to a second party, the aggrieved. Each party may be a person or a larger group such as a family, a business, an ethnic group, a race, or a nation. The apology may be private or public, written or verbal, and even, at times, nonverbal. Some scholars suggest additional criteria for apology, such as an explanation for the offense, an expression of shame and/or guilt, the intention not to commit the offense again, and reparations to the offended party.”
Quite a lot of variety is possible under such a broad definition — and Lazare makes that variety felt by recounting a multitude of examples of various apologies. There are apologies that are famous (Abraham Lincoln, George Patton, Arnold Schwarzenegger), apologies from literature (Agamemnon), apologies he has had to make, and apologies he has seen others make in the course of his work. Because of the very context-specific nature of how apologies work (or do not work), the litany of examples helps him communicate his ideas much more effectively than would be possible if he limited his book to a more abstract discussion.
Lazare also explains how apologies can differ dramatically between cultures. In Japan, for example, humble apologies are much more common than they can be in America but they typically occur in narrower circumstances: to restore social harmony, to maintain community cohesion, and to insiders rather than outsiders. “Japanese apologies are more apt to communicate submissiveness, humility, and meekness whereas Americans are more apt to communicate sincerity,” Lazare writes.
One of the interesting features that Lazare discusses is that an apology can be seen not simply as a statement or expression of remorse, but rather as a process of negotiation. Frequently the initial apology is not the final word: even if accepted, but especially if deemed inadequate, it is only the first step in a negotiation where the two parties work out what is required of the offender and what the aggrieved most needs. It’s not unusual for the offender to offer one thing (a cash settlement) when the aggrieved would most desire something else (a public acknowledgment of guilt).
