Question:
My spouse-to-be wants a religious wedding, but I don't. What should I do?
Answer:
If two people have very different ideas about the way a wedding should be planned, there will likely be a lot of arguments. Usually these disagreements involve the number of guests, the colors, etc. — but when it involves something so fundamental as religion and religious rituals, it can be very difficult to reach an amicable solution.
The first and most important thing to keep in mind is that the wedding should not be treated as something which exists only for one of you — both people must be happy (or at least reasonably content) with the arrangements. You'll only get married once to each other and you can't really go back to "fix" things later, so you want to get it "right" now. If either party is upset with the arrangements, there is a good chance that resentment will fester and cause magnified problems sooner or later.
The second thing to consider is that if religion is becoming a very divisive factor in the wedding itself, matters might get much worse later. On the other hand, some people only make religion important during certain special occasions (like weddings or holidays) while ignoring it the rest of the time. If that is the case here, then the disagreement over the wedding isn't a foreshadowing of future arguments, and that's something to be happy about.
So what should the two of you do? You'll have to compromise — it isn't likely that you'll be able to have a completely religious or a completely irreligious wedding; instead, you'll have to find some happy medium where both of you feel comfortable but neither of you feels like you have been cheated.
The first thing to work on is what the two of you really want. Does the one person want a religious ceremony because they are trying to please their family but otherwise doesn't care? If so, then you will need to figure out what you have to do to make the religious family happy, but you will probably be able to have a much less religious wedding than would otherwise be necessary. Remember, the wedding is for you first and your families second. Rituals and ceremonies should be there because they have meaning for you.
Does the one person want a religious ceremony simply because they had always assumed that that is the sort of wedding one should have? It is difficult to overcome such assumptions, but this may be a good time to take a serious look at a whole host of religious beliefs which have long been assumed, but which perhaps deserve to be discarded. Once again, a much less religious ceremony may be possible in this situation.
A more difficult problem arises when one person genuinely believes that only religious weddings are proper or that certain religious rituals are necessary for a wedding to be valid in God's eyes. When a person wants a religious wedding out of religious conviction rather than habit or custom, then compromise becomes much more difficult — but no less important.
One means of avoiding arguments over trying to reach a compromise is to avoid being negative — instead of focusing on what you don't like, focus on what you can be happy with. The irreligious person should make suggestions of religious elements that would be acceptable. The religious person should suggest religious elements that can be readily dropped.
By focusing on the things which draw you closer together rather than the thing which divide you, there is a better chance not only of arriving at a solution, but doing so in a manner which is amicable and helps strengthen the bond between you. That is, after all, one of the points of a marriage ceremony in the first place.
