Question:
My spouse wants to baptize our new child — should I go along with it?
Response:
If your spouse believes that a baptism is necessary, then you face an entirely different set of problems and choices than if the pressure only comes from your families. The two of you probably should have discussed this before you had children and before you were even married. If you did and this represents an attempt by your spouse to alter the earlier agreement, your feelings of discomfort will be understandably increased.
Chances are, your spouse may be trying to get you to agree by saying that it isn't really a "big deal" — if you don't believe in the mystical and religious meaning behind the baptism, it certainly doesn't hurt you, right? Quite a few arguments in a marriage are caused by disagreements over how to raise children, which means that a disagreement here portends more problems later on — and that's just one reason why this really is a big deal.
Another reason is that there is likely a double standard lurking in the background. If you asked your spouse to participate in a naming ceremony where you both promised to raise the child as a godless atheist, do you think this request would be met graciously? I doubt it. If your spouse would object to any such atheist ceremony being performed, why should you be expected to just keep quiet over the existence of a baptism?
A further and perhaps more important consideration involves the nature of your relationship with your spouse. Assuming that you have made it clear that you are not at all comfortable with a baptism being performed and would rather it not occur, why are you being pressured to go along if really isn't a big deal? This may actually be quite serious, because if your spouse is pursuing this course of action because of community expectations, family pressure, or just personal preference despite your discomfort, we have to ask to what degree your spouse really respects your wishes.
This is particularly true if the baptism isn't a big deal because your comfort and happiness should be a big deal for your spouse — that's one of the things you two should have agreed to when you got married in the first place. To place a relatively minor ceremony so far ahead of your interests just isn't right, whether the issue is part of a conflict over religion or about something else entirely.
Perhaps your spouse hasn't tried to argue that the baptism isn't a big deal and admits it is very important for religious and social reasons. This, however, strengthens your position: Any admission that the baptism is a big deal would necessarily require acknowledging that your objections are just as important to you. This also allows for a specific compromise: agree to allow and even attend a baptism if your child specifically requests one when she comes of age to make that decision herself.
Of course, first you'll need to decide whether it really is a big deal for you before you go too far in such arguments. If you don't really care one way or the other, then it's probably best to allow the baptism to go forward. It probably is important to your spouse in some fashion, otherwise you wouldn't be asked; so why not participate as far as your conscience permits?
On the other hand, it may bother you quite a bit. You may object strenuously to promising to raise your child in a religious sense, or to anyone making such a promise when you have no intention of keeping quiet about religious matters in your own home. Or you may simply object to infant baptisms in general because you don't think that they are appropriate when the person in question cannot consciously accept and choose what is being done to them. Whatever the case, you should be sure to make your objections and your reasons known so that the two of you can reach some compromise.
