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Among so many authors and therapists, no serious effort is made to distinguish between the normal caring behavior integral to any good relationship and truly self-obliterating behavior. This is in part seen in just how vague any diagnosis of codependency of dysfunctionality really is. Let's take a look at the symptoms that the codependency movement warns us about, as collected by Carol Tavris (which in turn was adapted from a checklist by Melinda Blau):
You "cover" for another person's bad behavior
You frequently talk and worry about other people's problems instead of your own
You take on more responsibility then you should in relationships
You ignore your own needs to meet someone else's
You worry that if you leave a relationship, the other person will fall apart
Your self-esteem depends on what others say and think about you, or on your possessions or job
You want to be a good person
You need other people
You are dependent upon your relationships
You are too unselfish
Does anyone recognize these characteristics? Just about anyone could be described by a couple of these at some point in their lives. But more importantly, a careful examination of the "symptoms" will reveal that they closely match the traditional stereotype of what a woman, wife and mother should be, as perpetuated not only in American culture but in cultures around the world.
It was perhaps most explicitly advocated in the 1950s, the childhood years for so many of the women currently entering middle-age and feeding the coffers of codependency therapy. But those stereotypes certainly haven't ended - even efforts to improve women's status in society tend to include the above characteristics. But where does codependency wish to take women? What goals should they strive for? Tavris cites a Codependent Anonymous leaflet:
Become independent
Be selfish without feeling guilty
Become self-reliant
Live serenely, without being hooked by the unhappiness and problems of others
Develop more of a "self"
Just say no to the demands of others
Want to be loved without being needed
Does anyone recognize these characteristics? Who is traditionally stereotyped as being selfish, unconcerned with others and avoiding commitment in relationships? None other than the American male. As Tavris explains, this is the fundamental flaw in codependency ideology: stereotypes of men equal "normalcy." The ways in which women have been taught to act are, however, diagnosed as a pathology.
Personally, I find it amazing that therapists trying to help people are actually telling them to aspire to be less caring for others around them and become more guiltlessly selfish. Of course caring for others to the point of self-obliteration is a bad thing, and people do need to understand that they have to take care of themselves as well as others. But as I pointed out earlier, no attempt is made in these checklists to distinguish between that sort of "over the top" caring and the basic caring necessary in any healthy network of reationships.
Perpetual "Recovery"
Whereas support groups were once designed to help people move on with their lives, they have since developed into a self-perpetuating creature. When asked when they might feel better enough that they might stop attending meetings, people react with surprise and incomprehension - this is their new family and it simply isn't within their mental horizon to consider leaving.
Indeed, in cases where a member considers leaving they are not congratulated for recovering but instead chastised for defecting and returning to denial. Recovery is, quite simply, no longer an option - at least not when defined as a time when you are past your illness or problem.
Now, "recovery" is life-long process from which you can never escape. This is especially bad in abductee groups where members learn that the aliens are in complete control of their lives - the victims always will be abducted against their will for as long as the aliens wish. The "disease" is never eliminated, just controlled or managed.
This is, I believe, analogous to what happens throughout different types of pseudo-scientific therapies: the groups are composed of people who feel violated and helpless. Their sexuality or life in general seems controlled by some strange outside force, and they all report a sense of being trapped in unwanted relationships.
Instead of taking an inventory of past insults and perceived abuses, it would probably better to encourage people to take a coping inventory in which genuinely negative events from the past are re-evaluated in a manner that can make you stronger, more resilient - and ultimately beyond the need of therapists. Tragedies can help us learn and grow, if we allow them. They don't have to keep us in their grip for the rest of our lives.
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