When you show respect to a person and their beliefs, they should return it and show the same respect to you and what you believe. When they don't - or worse, then they act as though you don't even deserve it - what's happening isn't so much that they want respect as that they want privilege. They want to be treated better than you because they consider themselves to be better than you.

“Dear Amy” recently received a letter from an atheist who is bothered by her in-laws praying before meals in her home. She and her husband were both raised as Christians, but neither of them are religious or theists anymore.

When we visit my husband’s family, they like to have a group prayer before meals. We participate out of respect for them.

However, when they are guests in my home, I find it inappropriate that they initiate a group prayer. It seems presumptuous to me. [emphasis added]

So, she and her husband have enough respect for his family’s belief to actually participate in their religious ritual. Does Amy think that this respect should be returned? No:

If your husband’s family weren’t prayerful Christians but Muslims who needed to pray in a specific way at specific times, would you be tolerant of them in your home--even though you didn’t share their beliefs?

I think you would.

Amy doesn’t seem to realize that Muslims wouldn’t stand up at a meal and start praying right there — they would have enough respect for others to retire to a different room to do their prayers. I don’t get the impression that the letter writer would object to a genuine parallel situation where her in-laws pray on their own in some other room before coming to the table.

Even better, in the case of Christians, would be for them to pray quietly as individuals. I myself wouldn’t object to this and I don’t imagine that many others would either. There’s a big difference between a religious ritual that involves people collectively as a group and private praying as individuals. The letter write is objecting to the former, not the latter.

If your husband’s family chose to bow their heads and chant a Buddhist prayer before tucking into the salad, would you sit and wait quietly until they were finished? ...

I think you would.

Why would she? Should a person tolerate anything that family does before a meal? What if Amy wrote:

If your husband’s family sacrificed a chicken and read the future with it’s entrails on the table before the meal, would you be tolerant of them and site quietly until they were finished?

I think you would.

Well, no, I don’t think she would — and I wouldn’t either. Amy is just dreaming up random rationalizations for telling atheists that while it’s proper for them to be tolerant of other people’s religious rituals in their homes, they shouldn’t expect the same consideration and respect back in their own homes. They should sit quietly while people do all manner of religious rituals they don’t believe in because it’s more important to tolerate other people’s religious beliefs than it is for other people to be considerate towards atheists.

Atheists just don’t matter, do they?

Presumably, your in-laws were very religious before you joined the family. If you want them to stop doing something they’ve always done, then you’re going to have to let them know.

This is the advice she should have given; but instead of letting it stand, she takes it back by pointing out that the conversation may not go smoothly:

Now, as you play that conversation in your head, doesn’t it sound more respectful to be tolerant during prayer time?

No, it doesn’t sound more respectful — it just sounds easier to avoid a confrontation. It is, however, a conversation that needs to be had because the in-laws aren’t being as considerate to their nonbelieving relatives as the atheists are being towards the Christians. Why? I don’t know, but the daughter-in-law should ask and make it clear that respect is a two-way street: she’s respectful of Christian practices in the Christian home and Christians should be considerate of the fact that the atheists’ home isn’t open for religious services.

Amy’s “advice” amounts to little more than telling atheists to sit down and shut up so as not to disturb the good Christians. This is the equivalent of telling Christians to sit down, shut up, and not pray at all — not even quietly to themselves. It’s not “tolerant” to say that to Christians and it certainly isn’t “tolerant” to say it to atheists. Amy’s “advice” will only serve to make things worse in the long run because it increases resentment and misunderstandings.

You can write to Amy and let her know what you think about her advice.

 

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