Comment of the Week: The Difference Between Respect & Submission

Too many Christians confuse "respect and tolerance" with "submission and deference." They aren't the only ones, to be fair, but their doing it creates a lot of political, social, and cultural conflict in America. This seems to get worse at the end of every year when the so-called "War on Christmas" occurs. Some Christians treat it as "insulting" and "intolerant" when their religion isn't singled out for special treatment and say that they should be shown more respect. If privileging Christianity and Christian practices isn't genuine respect, though, what is? What would it look like for an atheist to show genuine respect to a Christian's beliefs and practices during the holiday season?

Tracie writes:

I married into a family with some JWs in it. JW set of relatives "A" is visiting local nonJW relative "B" in our area. "B" and my family get together and celebrate the holiday every year at B's home. However, B's partner died a few months ago, and as a gesture, I have offered to take care of the dinner and have "B" in our home. But this leaves "A" family out in the cold.

When I asked about inviting "A" I was told by my spouse and by "B" that there would be concerns. My feeling was that if we were having a holiday dinner, "A" should be invited if only for social reasons (as the "A"s are visiting from out of town). The "A"s have a child, and I am planning to decorate and would like to give the child a gift (in generic non-Xmas wrap). My logic is that if it weren't Xmas, we'd still be visiting with them since we always get together with them when they come to town. The fact they came to town over Xmas--well, that's just dumb luck. And if we have a dinner planned anyway--all the better for efficiency.

Rather than pussyfoot around with my spouse and "B," I decided to talk to "A" directly about how they handle the holiday and if decorations were an issue and if a generic "glad to see you" gift to the child would be a problem.

As it turned out, "A" was very happy to come for dinner, and was grateful for the offer. "A" also called back later to talk to my spouse and noted how kind and thoughtful I was to call them and invite them and confirm with them what their limits might be and how they prefer to handle the arrangements.

Ironically, as an atheist, you learn rather quickly to be sensitive to other people's potential issues--because you are treated firsthand to such a heaping helping of slights and proactive offenses at this time of year.

Not only do Christians who push "Merry Christmas" potentially offend atheists and those of other religions--they can often be offending other Christians who feel that celebrating a pagan holiday in Chistian guise is actually an offense to Yahweh (since it is by no means Biblically supported as a Christian holiday).

I honestly don't care how other people celebrate. But I see a huge benefit in society to treating others with regard. I just find it ironic that in a society full to the brim with Christians who celebrate the season of sharing and giving--it took an atheist's sensitivity to make a JW feel welcomed and respected with regard to his handling of the holiday.

The way some Christians rail, you'd think the "reason for the season" (to them) is to be as hateful, obnoxious, offensive, and arrogant as possible to anyone outside your immediate social circle. They talk about the "war on Christmas"--but it honestly seems like they are the only ones who think there's something to fight about. The only time they complain about how someone else treats them, it always seems to be a case where they are being barred from using government/public land to push their religion down other people's throats. Are they really shocked when they get negative backlash from that sort of anti-social behavior?

[original post]

Tracie's behavior here is "respectful" because she's trying to avoid making B's family feel uncomfortable or put upon unnecessarily, regardless of whether Tracie agrees with the reasons for that potential discomfort (B's religious beilefs) or even considers them rational. That's arguably what a good host or hostess should do. Tracie's behavior would have been deferential or submissive if she had removed all traces of Christmas from her home in order to please B, and it would have been unreasonable for B to even request it.

Some Christians might be tempted to interpret the above as though they were in the analogous position to Tracie and everyone else is in the analogous position to B by behaving unreasonably by asking Christians to take down their Christmas decorations. That would be a revealing misinterpretation, though, because the above actions are taking place in a private home whereas conflicts between Christians and others occur in the context of public grounds. So, Christians who see themselves in the role of Tracie above are saying, unconsciously, that they regard America's public square as their private home and everyone else is just a guest who should learn to mind their manners.

The public square is very different from a private home, and so is the sort of "respect" we can or should show others. A good host should do more for a guest they have specifically invited into their home than for a random stranger they encounter out in public. The same demands that would be unreasonable if made by a guest, though, may not be unreasonable if made in the public square. This is because the public square belongs equally to us all as individuals, so it shouldn't privilege any one religious tradition, institution, or holiday.

What does this mean in practical terms? Well, Christians shouldn't serve pork to Jewish guests but certainly shouldn't avoid eating pork in public, even if they know Jews may be present. Jewish guests in a Christian home shouldn't demand that a menorah be erected next to the nativity scene, but Jews can demand that one be placed in the public square alongside any Christian displays. Similarly, non-Christians can reasonably argue that when it comes to public behavior, treating Christmas as the only holiday that is celebrated is rude, arrogant, and obnoxious.

Christians may say "Merry Christmas" to each other, but they can't expect strangers to necessarily do so and they probably shouldn't be doing it to strangers themselves. The attitude behind it is reminiscent of the attitude that would be behind a person who gives strangers a Bible as a gift, or even as a Christmas gift. From a Christian's perspective this may seem like a positive gift, but for others it can appear to be presumptuous because it treats the giver's own religious feelings, beliefs, and needs as more important than those of the recipient — assuming the giver has any idea what the recipient believes.

Christians who insist that everyone should say "Merry Christmas" as a matter of course and who object to the usage of "holidays" in place of "Christmas" are also insisting that their religious perspective is (and should be treated as) more important than everyone else's. That's not a demand for respect or tolerance, it's a demand for deference and submission from everyone else.