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Austin Cline

Personal Christmas Assault Kits

By October 20, 2007

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Great Christmas War
Image © Austin Cline
Original Poster:
Library of Congress
The Christmas holiday season is fast approaching and Christian Nationalists are already gearing up for a fight. As part of their desire to prove that Christmas is really a season based on the birth of their savior, Jesus, the Prince of Peace, they are offering for sale a wide variety of bumper stickers designed for Christians who want to make an aggressive statement against everyone and everything else.

It warms my heart to see Christians pushing such an aggressive agenda like this — they are really playing true to form. It's so revealing about how the rhetoric of the Christian Right can be the opposite of their actions. Jesus is the reason for the season — now buy all this stuff! Christmas is about peace and love — now don't make me angry by disagreeing with me!

World Net Daily has an online store with these bumper stickers:

  • "This is America! And I'm going to say it: 'Merry Christmas!'"
  • "It is STILL a wonderful life – Merry Christmas!"
  • "Merry Christmas! An American Tradition"

This is America, where anyone can play the role of Elmer Gantry in their own personal quest to fleece the pious as part of a larger commercial, political, or ideological agenda!

It's STILL a secular life — where people are free from religious institutions.

Merry Christmas! A secularized American holiday that doesn't have anything to do with Jesus anymore — if it ever really did.

It's the perfect way to make your statement this Christmas – that Jesus is the reason for the season. Buy one, buy 25, buy 50!

Buy! Buy! Buy some more! For God's sake, though, don't treat the holidays like a time for reflection or peaceful coexistence with your heathen neighbors — Baby Jesus cries, burps, and develops a bad case of diaper rash when you don't buy our stuff!

There's one more component of your Christmas-defense kit: It's the "Operation: Just Say 'Merry Christmas' Bracelet." They make great stocking stuffers, but why wait! Make your feelings about Christmas known to one and all. Wear them to pick up the kids, when you buy groceries and when you go to work. They're guaranteed to ward off the evil spirits of the ACLU grinches.

And if these magical Christmas-defense bracelets don't work, you can try our special Jesus-themed Taser or even our Christmas riot baton! Don't let atheists, secularists, humanists, pagans, or other heathens get away with their nasty little "Season's Greetings." They have no right to wish you well in an inclusive manner — if they don't single out your religious holiday for special treatment, let them have it!

October 20, 2007 at 7:49 pm
(1) Gridman says:

At this time of year, I always like to recommend viewing of the Learning Channel’s program entitled Christmas Unwrapped.

It’s a wonderful tour of history showing how Christmas really has never had much to do with Jesus, and all the completely non-Christian traditions that really make up the package we know and experience today.

October 20, 2007 at 9:02 pm
(2) Tom says:

This is America! I’m going to say it: have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwazy Kwanzaa, Solemn and Dignified Ramadan, and Secular Solstice!

October 20, 2007 at 9:05 pm
(3) Ron says:

Tom, You forgot “Happy Holidays”

October 20, 2007 at 9:09 pm
(4) Jim says:

There are 3 parts to the religious Christmas holiday.

1) The be-a-good-little-capitalist and spend money you don’t have.

2) The Jesus part.

3) The Santa Claus part — the starter religion for kids.

October 20, 2007 at 11:30 pm
(5) Dane says:

hoildays are so commericalized everyone is out to make a profit,after the holidays are done prices drop down rock bottom its all about business

October 21, 2007 at 9:28 pm
(6) Eric says:

Jewish people should start greeting everyone with Happy Hanukkah. After all, if Christians are going to say Merry Christmas and assume that you’re Christian too, why shouldn’t everyone else do the same thing with their own respective religion?

October 22, 2007 at 12:31 pm
(7) tracieh says:

I have to laugh at “The War” on Xmas. I remember getting an e-mail from my dad (who never goes to church) telling a story about a woman shopping at Macy’s (NY) who was told by a cashier that the staff wasn’t allowed to say “Merry Xmas.” The e-mail was a spam to tell everyone to, basically, shove Xmas down everyone’s throat and take back Xmas for Christians.

I forwarded this to another relative–and ex-preacher turned atheist–who wrote back a disgusted, yet humorous, note indicating he’d just gotten back from a trip to NY (where he goes to visit each December). He said that right inside Macy’s was a “big, fat, f***ing Santa Claus shouting ‘Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!’ at the top of his lungs–and that “no New York Jews were running up to him, trying to stop him.”

I also, as an atheist, mark when people tell me “Merry Christmas!” at the holidays. I hear it at my workplace from coworkers, in stores by store employees (even though this defies popular belief), in coffee shops and restaurants, and in about half of all the Christmas cards I receive.

The Christian response to “The War on Christmas” is no less funny based on the fact that there is no “War” on Christmas. And in addition to people being free to say “Merry Christmas” to their private acquaintances, it’s still very much in fashion–apparently, based on strangers I run into–to say “Merry Christmas!” to people you don’t know and who may not be of the Christian persuation.

I’m not personally offended by this. I also wouldn’t be offended by a “Happy Chaunukah” or “Happy Kwanza” or “Have a Great Solstice.” In fact, I tend toward “Happy Holidays” if I initiate a greeting; but if a person greets me with their preferred greeting, I’m _highly_ likely to respond in kind just out of respect to their holiday beliefs–since I have no such public beliefs to speak of.

So, if I get a “Happy Chaunukah!” I will likey say back, “Happy Chanukah!” If I get a “Merry Christmas!” I will reply, “Merry Christmas!” Mainly, I believe that whatever the person is saying to me, they are comfortable with, and it reflects their beliefs.

Ironically, the most hardened people I’ve ever met against Christians saying “Merry Christmas” are other Christians. There are a number of fundamentalist groups who defy the “Birth of Jesus” convention by pointing out that the holiday is the product of pagan beliefs and should not be observed by Christians–any more than Halloween.

October 26, 2007 at 6:39 pm
(8) Jenna says:

I’m certain the majority of Christians would think it’s a great idea to buy Jesus-themed tasers in showing appreciation their toward “our savior”.

I am NOT even kidding.

It would save Christians the time and trouble of getting an exorcism to ward us possessed demons off.

October 27, 2007 at 10:05 am
(9) JayFTL says:

I use “Happy Yuletide”. It reflects the traditions I observe as well as honoring the traditions of my Northern European ancestors before their forced convertion to Christianity.

October 28, 2007 at 12:47 pm
(10) George says:


“I’m certain the majority of Christians would think it’s a great idea to buy Jesus-themed tasers in showing appreciation their toward “our savior”.

I am NOT even kidding.

It would save Christians the time and trouble of getting an exorcism to ward us possessed demons off.

Comment by Jenna — October 26, 2007 @ 6:39 pm”

They could also give each other

‘Merry Christmas-Don’t tase me Bro’
t shirts
Ho Ho HO

November 12, 2007 at 10:09 am
(11) DamnRight says:

The funniest thing to me is… Santa Claus is a more historical person than Jesus…

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