Dear Amy: Respect is Still a Two-Way Street
"Dear Amy" first prints one of the emails she received, quoted here in part:
I found your response disturbing. ... We do not pray aloud in my house, and I have never had a problem with guests not respecting my traditions in my house.
I don’t see why I have to tolerate rude behavior in my house. Caroline’s in-laws, assuming they are aware of her and her husband’s lack of religious beliefs, are very rude and insensitive. ... My parents smoked. When they visited me, they did not smoke out of respect for me. I never had to ask them not to smoke. Conversely, when I visited them, I never asked them not to smoke in their house.
According to Amy, not one of the “about 100 readers” who reacted to her letter agreed with her on this issue. Not one.
My point was that Caroline’s in-laws had always been religious and had always had this prayer practice. Caroline and her husband’s religious views had changed and the prayers made them uncomfortable.
This is true — Caroline and her husband had changed. So what? Does the fact that they have changed mean, therefore, they can’t expect his parents to not launch into a religious ritual at the dinner table? Of course not. Amy’s “point” here just misses the point — it’s a reason to approach the issue with sensitivity, but not a reason for the atheists to just sit down and shut up (which seemed to be what her advice amounted to).
I suggested that this was a case of religious tolerance, but every reader who contacted me said that the in-laws were being rude by praying at the home of people who did not believe in prayer.
According to Amy, “religious tolerance” seems to mean that atheists must “tolerate” religious rituals at the dinner table in their home and must also “tolerate” religious rituals at dinner tables in other homes, but it’s “intolerant” for them to be expected to be treated as equals and not have religious rituals in their homes.
That’s not tolerance, Amy, that’s submission and inequality. That’s why not one of the people who wrote in agreed with you.
You are the only person to compare prayer to smoking, however.
This, I think, is interesting. If this is the only person to compare prayer to smoking, why did Amy print it? Why not print a letter more representative of what she received? Could it be in order to discredit those who disagreed with her? The comparison with smoking isn’t a very good one, in my opinion, because there are health risks with being near smoking that merely being near prayer doesn’t have. There is an analogous level of rudeness in these situations, but I think that this would be overlooked in favor of the health question — thus it’s an analogy that just won’t work.
I’ve read enough of these “advice” columns over the years to notice a pattern. Sometimes the columnists write things which readers disagree with and either they admit that they were wrong or they defend their position, stating clearly that they stand by their original answer even as they allow those who disagree to express themselves. Amy, however, doesn’t appear to do either. She doesn’t apologize for goofing and admit that she failed to properly appreciate the position of atheists. She also doesn’t say that she still thinks she was right, however.
You might want to write in to Amy again, politely of course, to let her know what you think.
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Comments
This reminded me of attending public high school in Wales, UK, where every Monday was a mandatory religious assembly complete with prayer and hymns. Those of us who did not believe and were uncomfortable were told to “go through the motions”. Not attending was not an option! I’m sure the same could be said of most American high school graduations where invocations and prayer open the ceremonies. Either accept it or don’t attend your own graduation. Doesn’t seem fair!
I disagree with your assertion that second hand smoke is worse for you than prayer. It’s true that second hand smoke can damage your physical health, but have you considered the damage caused to your mental health by being forced to listen to a dinner guest’s incesant, moaning supplication to an invisible friend? A recent study by Harvard Medical School revealed that being prayed for can actually damage one’s physical health. Don’t become a statistic.